Alone in a crowd

एक रोज़ ज़िन्दगी के रूबरू आ बैठे
ज़िन्दगी ने पूछा - दर्द क्या है? क्यूँ होता है?कहाँ होता है?
यह भी तो पता नहीं चलता:
तन्हाई क्या है आखिर?
इतने लोग तो हैं ; फिर तनहा क्यूँ हो?
मेरा चेहरा देख कर ज़िन्दगी ने कहा:
मैं तुम्हारी जुड़वां हूँ मुझसे नाराज़ ना हुआ करो


If i was to wonder if these lines were true then is it true that we are alone despite the fact that we are surrounded by people? The truth is oft I have wondered and it is true that being alone is not a physical state of being but more a mental one. I was in a bus and i counted there were another 44 people in it but i was more at peace with my thoughts than i am when i am in a room with 44 cubic meters of space. I am besides myself wondering what to do next; who to do it with when i have so many around me. I am upset with myself when there are so many with more grievous sorrows or so many to alleviate that sorrow..

The who,where,when,why of misery cannot be answered or answered articulately at least. The answers to questions asked lie in the realm enveloped in greyness. My sadness is linked to not one problem but many. Solitude cannot be a solution to problems cos it is part of the problem itself.

When i say "it hurts" exactly what hurts? If you want to retort with an enthusiastic "heart".I'd say no. A mild heart attack cannot be easily distinguished when it really should hurt. It is diagnosed by sweat and myriad other symptoms then what is it that actually hurts? What is it that brings tears to my eyes. Could endorphins and nerve impulses and brain waves be the explanation. Every night the stud in my ear lobe causes me pain but i sleep with it. But i cannot sleep when i have heard bitter words, when i have failed, when i have fought.

I am alone and morose but both are manifestations of my own psychology and and no one but myself can cheer me up. And regrets from my life will not be entertained by life cos i think it is on my side!

Love, Hate, Anger, Friendship

Of these several emotions can you feel all of them at the same time? The last one is not an emotion really but have you felt all of them for a friend or towards a friend. I am in that state of being where I can feel numbness. It is the numbness brought about by the lack of doing anything, arising from a state of joblessness- literally and metaphorically.

The first three are all powerful emotions and the last one a long lasting bond. But i think they are linked together. If each of them was a person with a body, limbs, head and soul they would be different personalities. The underlying commonality would then be the presence of a soul in those four bodies. Whats is a human being after all without a soul. All people have felt these emotions. To love, to hate, to be mad makes you a person, otherwise you would be listless. To hate love with utmost anger or to love without hate and anger is a transition from adolescence to adulthood. Maybe the reverse.

I know not which emotion i am in the throes of now but if i could test on a chromatographic paper there would be shades of all the above feelings. Does everybody find it hard to call somebody a friend? Does nobody think that friendship is hard. I don't know if i have felt this way all the time but now i feel this way all the time. Its been a difficult time for me. Not as difficult as somebody with cancer, stents, angioplasty, chemotherapy, or cerebral palsy; but difficult none the less. And the reason probably is love, hate, anger and friendship

Friendship is tricky. I have a few friends but I am surrounded by friendship which is hollow, profound, weak, strong, respectable, dubious, and all other sorts and i cant categorize mine. Why does it have to take so much to become friends? Is it time that strengthens the ties of friendship or that one connection you made while crossing the street? Is there a determinant for friendship- if it is: is it same for everybody or different for all people or it just sort of depends?

Lyrically:

Oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
Oh lord, there must be something you can say

You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that shes been there
Probably been moved on from every place
cos she didnt fit in there

Oh think twice, its another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, its just another day for you,
You and me in paradise

Practice maketh a man

And the question is does it? And if it does is it only a man's karma which can be improved. In essence this post isn't about that at all. It is quintessentially about what is a man made of..and a man not a woman. I did not use it as a common noun unlike in the axiom. I met a man today, a friend of mine- a very eligible bachelor and perfect when it comes to treating women-friend, sister or mother.

Now, I am wondering if it is a man's looks, his wit, his pursuit for you, success, wealth, friends, watch, passions, body, humor, caring attitude, just attitude, perfume, aftershave, clothes, shoes, cologne, impeccable manners, chest hair, just hair, style, arrogance, talent, awards, knowledge about women, just knowledge, prowess or his parents..which girl to boy, woman to man.

There was a time that Bryan Adams played in my room and played with the chords in my heart. This was the time that the girlie in me thought no matter what; if a guy sung that or could sing that he would be the one who she would date! What happened later was that I grew up...In that period of growing up I fell in love. I fell in love with a guy, and i do not know the reason at all why that happened and why with him. In retrospect the only thing i can say is that he n i just fit together.

As i have come to appreciate movies like scent of a woman, i have swooned for Al Pacino (Col. Frank Slade)-blind as he was, he still was/is charismatic. I have been woeful about a million other guys. None of this still explains why we like the men we do and what is it that maketh a man.

Practice is what can make some of it ;) But is it that what is attractive about a man? This can be answered with utmost certainty, and the answer is no. I love it for a man to make me laugh, open the door for me, shave for himself and me, cook, the list could be endless but would that be enough? Would it cover each woman's priorities..the answer to that also would be a resounding no.

There is one thing that a woman needs and that is undivided attention and reassurance. All relationships are built on some foundation and "if" once a man could convince a woman that its only her that he wanted: she's pretty much his. If only a man knew..