Alone in a crowd

एक रोज़ ज़िन्दगी के रूबरू आ बैठे
ज़िन्दगी ने पूछा - दर्द क्या है? क्यूँ होता है?कहाँ होता है?
यह भी तो पता नहीं चलता:
तन्हाई क्या है आखिर?
इतने लोग तो हैं ; फिर तनहा क्यूँ हो?
मेरा चेहरा देख कर ज़िन्दगी ने कहा:
मैं तुम्हारी जुड़वां हूँ मुझसे नाराज़ ना हुआ करो


If i was to wonder if these lines were true then is it true that we are alone despite the fact that we are surrounded by people? The truth is oft I have wondered and it is true that being alone is not a physical state of being but more a mental one. I was in a bus and i counted there were another 44 people in it but i was more at peace with my thoughts than i am when i am in a room with 44 cubic meters of space. I am besides myself wondering what to do next; who to do it with when i have so many around me. I am upset with myself when there are so many with more grievous sorrows or so many to alleviate that sorrow..

The who,where,when,why of misery cannot be answered or answered articulately at least. The answers to questions asked lie in the realm enveloped in greyness. My sadness is linked to not one problem but many. Solitude cannot be a solution to problems cos it is part of the problem itself.

When i say "it hurts" exactly what hurts? If you want to retort with an enthusiastic "heart".I'd say no. A mild heart attack cannot be easily distinguished when it really should hurt. It is diagnosed by sweat and myriad other symptoms then what is it that actually hurts? What is it that brings tears to my eyes. Could endorphins and nerve impulses and brain waves be the explanation. Every night the stud in my ear lobe causes me pain but i sleep with it. But i cannot sleep when i have heard bitter words, when i have failed, when i have fought.

I am alone and morose but both are manifestations of my own psychology and and no one but myself can cheer me up. And regrets from my life will not be entertained by life cos i think it is on my side!